Just To Lighten The Mood > HOA Forum

Unanswered

Active Topics

Forums

Forums > Homeowner Association > HOA Discussions

Subject: Just To Lighten The Mood

Prev Next

You are not authorized to post a reply.

Author

Messages

DonnaS
(Tennessee)

Posts:2796

10/01/2008 11:38 AM
I thought that everyone might enjoy a little light stuff today. To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ). 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!

RobertR1
(South Carolina)

Posts:2075

10/01/2008 12:58 PM
Donna, I'm just glad it was not signed by Hillary or Sarah. Now there's a Ticket for 2012. But first they got to deal with those south of the Mason Dixon, that never admitted to being united. Boiiiiiiiiiiinnnnng!!!!!!

DJ1
(Ontario)

Posts:455

10/01/2008 3:12 PM
Just when we got freedom from the Monarchy you join it!

DonnaS
(Tennessee)

Posts:2796

10/01/2008 3:21 PM
DJ, I think that this one just showed up on the right day-- Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

NL
(Virginia)

Posts:32

10/06/2008 8:53 PM
Donna, Thanks for the laugh!!!

TamaraW
(Ohio)

Posts:180

10/07/2008 6:05 AM
Funny Donna. What is with the roundabouts anyway? They are popping up here like mad and some main streets have about 3 of them. When I go visit my mom, we hop in her convertible VW Bug (most adorable thing ever) and always make sure we go round and round the roundabout several times just too have fun. Good Laughs! Thanks!

BrianB
(California)

Posts:1732

10/07/2008 9:15 AM
Let us not forget: There will be cameras installed on every major highway, street, road, intersection, and outside every building, and some homes. You will be monitored 24 hours a day, every day, and any crime or violation committed will be fined. It will come in the post (mail to you), and you will be videotaped receiving the fine, so don't try to deny it. You will pay a tax for owning a TV, two taxes for owning two TV's, etc.. men in black vans will patrol your neighborhood with tracking devices, and you will be penalized for not reporting every TV you own. You are not allowed to fly any flags, banners, or display any signs outside your home that may or may not be offensive to others, or illegal to fly. the complete list of items that are illegal to fly or offensive is not complete, but rest assured, whatever you are posting is on the list, or will be. Any civil authority whatsoever has the right to enter your house and perform a search for any reason, and confiscate any item whatsoever they may determine might be part of any crime. this includes water meter readers, dog licensers, trashmen, meter maids, and housing inspectors. YOu have no 4th amendment anymore, remember?

JohnK3
(Pennsylvania)

Posts:438

10/07/2008 11:17 AM
I read this description in VF yesterday, and it really made me LOL. Literally LOL. But as is said, small minds are easily amused! It concerns a living American politician. "He is the bride at every wedding he attends, the corpse at every funeral he attends." Your personal views aside, take a guess?

DonnaS
(Tennessee)

Posts:2796

10/07/2008 12:00 PM
John, Good one. This is meant to point out in a humorous way, how far we have strayed from our origin. Not saying it is good or bad, just that we have changed, evolved or turned nuts. Everyone believes different and that's called FREEDOM

RobertR1
(South Carolina)

Posts:2075

10/07/2008 12:51 PM
John and Donna, Well you lightened my mood until I have no idea what is going on. John poses a question to all, I don't have a clue who it is. Donna. responds, "Good one John" and calls the whole thing Freedom. It seem there should be some more information in there somewhere.

DonnaS
(Tennessee)

Posts:2796

10/07/2008 1:01 PM
Robert, Go to the top of the page and read the pretend letter to the Citizens of the United States from Queen Elizabeth. I posted it last week when our Congress was not able to pass the whatever they call it--bailout or stimulant act or ? It was just a fun thing to "Lighten The Mood"

MaryA1
(Arizona)

Posts:2157

10/07/2008 2:41 PM
Brian, You forget to mention the most important right which would be taken away -- the right to bear arms! Your 2nd amendment rights would be trampled away!!!

BrianB
(California)

Posts:1732

10/07/2008 3:52 PM
mary, that was taken care of in #5: can't carry any weapon more dangerous than a potato peeler.

DwightT
(Idaho)

Posts:443

10/08/2008 8:17 PM
Posted By MaryA1 on 10/07/2008 2:41 PM Brian, You forget to mention the most important right which would be taken away -- the right to bear arms! Your 2nd amendment rights would be trampled away!!! What is all this fuss about a right to bear arms? It's terrible! I think they should take away this right to bear arms. Why should people have any right to bear arms? Only the bears should have any rights to their arms. If we take their arms, then what are they going to do? What? You were talking about guns? Well that's very different. Never mind. (with a nod to Emily Litella - also known as Gilda Radner)

JohnK3
(Pennsylvania)

Posts:438

10/09/2008 8:34 AM
The bride/corpse referred to? W.J. Clinton. Speaking of corpses, supposedly, Oscar Wilde's last words were: "Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."

You are not authorized to post a reply.

Forums > Homeowner Association > HOA Discussions > Just To Lighten The Mood